Wow

I thought you were better than that.

Girls

Confuse the Fuck out of me.

And I don't like it.

Why can't I let myself be happy?

Or find a girl I can stand to be with without thinking I'm going to mess up?

I need that one girl that will keep me looking ahead, not twards these distractions.

A girl that knows when to let me go with Sunny to do something St00pid.

but also knows how to keep me safe when I'm too dumb.

I wish I had Megan Foxes number.

I've been replaced.

I should've Deleted this a long time ago.

...I'm fine

I'm okay

I'm all good

I'm great

I'm just dandy

I am such a fucking liar.

But I'm done caring.

So have a nice life without me.

The Sadness Will Never End.

You know what'd be really cool?

Moving to some far away place,

Because I'm sorta sick of all of everyones bullshit.

when I say everyone I mean like two or three people

One of them might read this,

But whatever probably not

I'm not that important.

Not anymore

Whenever I ask what happened,

I say it's neither of our faults

but who am I kidding?

I didn't ditch for like a month

I didn't never talk to you

I didn't give up.

I just might one of these days,

And It will suck without me.

Or at least I hope it does,

So you know what it feels like

Because it does suck.

So whatever, I don't care

I must have been dreaming I guess,

But if I want these kind of dreams it's

Californication.

Now I know,

It's my time to make things right

And I can not say

If I'll make it through the night

Just to run from the day...

Watch the streets flood with blood from the

Self Righteous fools just like you.

I can't sit by while this happens anymore

so I walk through the door and close your eyes

never again to see the world for what it is.

Never again to watch the pain that fills us all

We walk under the fire

We shall never tire

for if we slept

you'd all be dead.

We walk the roads that no one takes

We fight the battles that are never one

I had it all but then threw it away

for that is the price which we pay.

new song; all I have right now

Feedback is much needed and helpful

I Don't Know

"this is the end of the road

there is nowhere to go

you hear the hate in all my words

but doll don't be scared

and I just love to see

that hateful stare you throw at me,

I know I know I know,

this is the end of the road

this is the end of the road"

Gah.

Highschool is going to be lame.

I'll have like ten good friends and kind of let go of everyone else

Or so I assume

I just wish I could pick who will be those ten

I'm loosing a really important person in my life

Just like I knew I would

"I'll talk to you" you said

I'm not looking for attention

or maybe I am

It was nice to feel safe talking to you

But now I'm blocked off.

I knew it was going to happen

All of it

I just didn't want to believe it

And now I'm torn

whether to try try try

or to just let it go...

I don't know

this could be the end of the road

I'm done

with your lies

Do Not tell me otherwise

I don't know you because I'm not allowed

You don't want me around and you should have just told me

I don't know what I'm doing right now

Might as well go crazy

right?

fuck everything

not because of you hurting me

I have and can deal with that

But doing my best to trust you again

Is why I feel like a fucking idiot

We will never sleep.

Because Sleep is for the Weak.

and I am not the weak at all

Go ahead,

Touch me I dare you

You can't hurt me

Nobody can

So stop it.

I need nothing from anyone.

I don't know how or what to say

I just need to stop feeling.

Because 90 emotions at a time is way too much.

I'm not going to be such a "protective ' best friend' "

Because I know you don't need me to be.

And I know it doesn't matter.

Because there is no way to be protective and also sit there

While you're treated like that.

A joke is a joke

If anyone knows that it's me.

But that's just un-fucking-needed.

So I guess I'm done.

Don't think I don't care...

You know I do.

I'm just not that important.

So that's it.

Part of a new song..

"Will we make it to the day?

It's almost over now

My friend it's just way to hard to say

Unlock my chains and tell me how..."

It's time to relax

Time for re-evaluation

A new perspective

The next page in my "book"

Not to feel sad or to be angry

But to not really feel for anyone

Not in a bad sense

In the sense of;

Not needing anyone

Which I think is a good thing for me

So do what you will

Because nobody can penetrate my armor.

And until there's a reason to leave it open

It won't be

Don't take this as a bad thing at all

For it's a revelation

A... start of something else

different, maybe

needed, probably

I'm cold on the inside;

And that works

Cause it's how I need to be

Because I get carried away

So now I won't

I hope things get better now

or easier.

either way

I got a secret, It's on the tip of my tongue and on the back of my lungs.

Time for bed.

Jeez today was useless

I feel as if whatever I do is pointless now

Cause even if I try things fall apart,

So why bother right?

Why try?

Well campers I asked myself the same question and

did not have an answer I even wanted to hear.

I need something in my life to keep me in check

In balance if that makes more sense

But why try right?

I wish a lot of things were different.

No. not that. get over it; I have.

sort of...

Anyway

I have decided it would be a great Idea to stop talking

Cause nobody listens anyway

And if I said what I really thought or really wanted to say

You would either be offended or be even more confused just like me

As for now it's like 11:30

And I'm tired.

So goodnight..

I'm looking forward to the "Are you okay?" in the morning.

Still you leave such a bitter taste in My mouth.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

That's how I feel all the time.

About all most everything.

Besides my drums.

Otherwise I'm pretty much clueless.

I always have the feeling nobody really wants to be around me

that's why I try to be funny most of the time

if I'm funny= maybe people will like me?

Girls: Hey;]

hahaha...sorry

Girls don't like me much either

EXCEPT THEY THINK I'M GORGEOUS.

but past that part I start to loose her.....eh-em:"them"

I don't know;

I'm kinda boring for the most part

really.

But I'm good at Xbox=]

Gamertag is: Fr0zenfear802

Cause I think I am frozen by the fear of being alone.

All the time I hate being by myself.

I know everyone with a sibling would disagree but

I would love a brother or sister.

not like young,

Like my age so they could know what I'm talking about

and they wouldn't have the option of leaving the conversation like some of you do.

but whatever;

life could be worse

....Right?

BreakDown.

I Hate.

I can't have anything go right for me can I?

I can't have anyone to stand next to me can I?

I won't need anything after all...

You think I didn't know how to feel before

Well let me tell you...

Now I am uncertain in my every move

For I "like" you..

But I feel as if this is a crime.

For You don't need me anymore

The Scape-Goat.

The Patsy.

I don't blame you at all though..

I hope you know that.

I just want to know how to feel.

I know you've made your choice

I know it hurts me to say I know you won't change your mind

But I can deal.

Because you know I can

Even if you say I shouldn't have to.

I can.

I don't need anything from you

short of not pushing me away;

I hopefully am still your friend

For I will not breakdown.

....Yeah there's more.

Feelings;

Are pointless.

If no one had feelings then everybody would have a pretty good life I would say

To those of you saying but you wouldn't be able to be happy, be sad, or stuff like that

well no one would know anyway so ha.

I would rather not have feelings therefore I'm not.

People are useless

they'll pick you out

then throw you away like a newspaper

I want to stop feeling all together

Because the sadness isn't worth it anymore

The suffering isn't worth it anymore

I just wish things were different

I just want things to work for me

For everyone that thinks I've opened up to you

all but one

I haven't

and I won't to anyone ever again

Thanks.

Now instead of not needing people altogether

I don't want anyone at all.

Because all I need is my drums and an ipod

I'm not asking you to go away

I'm asking for you to stop.

I just want sometime to not feel.

I am Legend.

I am the man with the outer coating of steel

the man who fears nothing

the man with nothing holding him back

the man who opened his heart.

the man who was crushed

the man who fell farther than the rest

the man who wants to wither away without ever saying goodbye

the man who has nothing to live for

the man with no more heart

for I am the man that is cold

heartless

reckless

pain-filled

the man that needs no one

the man that wanted one

the man the one never wanted

the man who hates being legend

the man who now has no reason to open up to anybody ever

the man that will keep it inside never to open the walls again

the man who needs a break from everything

the man who walks alone in this world

the man who shall put his poker face on

the man who had to put an end to this shit

the man who wants nothing

the man who has nothing

the man that walks with the damned to the pits of hell where he shall learn what pain actually feels like so that this will seem like candy.

For I am the man that has no heart.

I want to stop thinking about this

I want to know what is about to happen

But I think I do;

You are still deciding I'm told

But I know who you've chosen

It's sort of obvious

The one thing I ask is that he leaves me alone.

or at least makes fun of me behind my back

so I don't have to listen to it

I don't know what else to say

I'm really shaken up right now.

I'm sorry for bothering you.

Here's your holiday.

"if it's what he** want's and it's what she want's then why's there so much pain."

**he is interchangeable.

You better Pray for Plauges.

Hello there.

Well then I suppose it's time to blog and not sound depressed!

Yeah!

No but for real I don't have a bunch to complain about

Things are still ify with somebody

but you know it's not really an issue for me

there's no we so I don't have a reason to be all mehf about anything

which I guess is good

but at the same time..

nevermind.

haha; yeah I'm going to do that to you.

I have been going into drum-comas I guess you could say,

I'll be in my head but at the same time just playing something about whatever I'm thinking about It's been eye opening you could say.

I think about people and it shows in my playing

if I don't like the person it goes really fast and I hit really hard

others just a regular jam thing

and others I don't even think about at all when I play

Everything is so contradicting.

I don't care what you say; it is.

I wish that I could plan out everything to work just the way I want it to

but I can't

I wish I could let down these walls for everyone

but I can't

I wish that I could be as strong as I need to be all the time

And I will.

For I can take anything aside from a bullet.

And now the walls are up

and I'm on lockdown.

no one in;

no one out.

I need a fucking break from my own head

So I can release all this hate I have for things I shouldn't worry about

But I can't

For I'm the passionate

I'm the aggressive

I'm the willing

I'm the scared

I'm the brave

I'm the broken

But I can be fixed.

Enough UnderOath Quotes.

This sucks.

I hate everything that is going on.

I want this to be over

Or to start over...?

Everyone:

I

Do

Not.

Trust you.

Any of you

it's not your fault.

I haven't trusted anyone for years

I have built these Massive walls around myself.

and sadly, it has grown from one tiny wall to 50 10' thick steel plated.

And I have taken them down twice.

for the same person

and now..

they shall go back up

for I can't trust anyone for the simple fact that everything is kind of screwed up right now

So Sit tight Josh!

right.

I don't know if I can do

this

wait and see thing.

Besides;

You don't want me anyway..,

I am Pessimistic

Self doubting

Troubled beyond belief

Fucking Crazy

Unwanted

Angry

Hateful

And no one should want me around anyway

And how can I start to even Believe you?

I could trust you

I think I still can

but I mean this seems like a trick or a joke

just to fuck with me.

This is difficult

I really want there to be something

but the way we talk to each other

mhm

yeah

mhm

yeah

Makes me wonder if you even mean what you say?

or if I should keep trying

or maybe you're just leading me on

it wouldn't be the first time.

I know I probably shouldn't be talking

typing rather

but regardless

this is how I feel

and I don't know how else to say it.

It's not the way it's supposed to be, It's the way It is.

This time I was thinking about writing something that could help.

but If I don't feel helpful then why bother?

"All he want's is you"

Is still true

But I want to know what is going on

and I don't know if I'm looking at this the wrong way

I can guess how you feel

and you say stuff

but I don't know anything about what you are thinking

And It Scares Me.

Yes folks Josh is scared of something

otherwise I would never say it.

I would stop breathing before I gave up my pride.

But I want you as a friend.

and if there is something else that is more between us,

something better maybe

then that is great too

I'm loosing sight of what I really want I think,

I don't really know

both in bad moods makes for terrible thoughts

"maybe she doesn't want me"

"maybe they just want a break for like a week"

"maybe I'm not good enough"maybe I'm not good enough for her."

"I'm not."

I don't want you to tell me I'm not,

if you do you will ruin your idea of not saying too much.

But don't worry about me,

Tough as nails this one is.

Nothing can hurt him right?

right.....

So for now I say goodnight

And for tomorrow, I say we'll have to see.

Oh how the plot thickens

I think I scream because of the anger in me.

When I scream I put everything into it

All or nothing.

It lets me get everything out

And it works

As i flail around It calms me.

not as everything else does

I'm scared of throwing my self into the dark.

I'm scared the walls will rise again

I need not recognition but something of the sort.

I wish this was over with

so I could relax around you

my mind is moving the speed of sound when I talk to you

or even think.

I don't know why;

nothing has been said to make me think that...

but that is fair

and what's fair is fair

except the no headshot rule in dodgeball, that is ridiculous

You have a lot to think about

I have a lot to think about

Thinking is like dumb

I would rather go strait off emotions

but of course if I did thinks would be different

I wish they were.

Wishes don't true for me

never have

I although might not sound or look it;

Am human.

and that comes with all these feeling

Sometimes I would rather throw them away.

but this is important to me;

and I don't want to let go.

Good God Can you still get us home?

I hate this.

I hate not knowing.

I hate everything that is going on.

I do not hate you.

Today was weird like,

I felt like you already chose him

and surprisingly it hurt, bad

The worst pain of sadness I have felt in a long time

witch made me think about how I care about you so much

and how this "thing" has transformed from more than a thing

for me at least...

You might know what you will do and that is fine

either way I can deal,

I'm tougher than most.

But I fall harder than the rest.

Don't really blame me for not saying something,

It's hard to talk about things, I haven't in a long time

And Taking down these walls i have built around me,

They've been standing for so long that I need help pulling them down.

I don't know why I do thought

I am sorry for all of this,

because I am making what is hard harder

and I hate it.

I apologize.

These Roads We Tread Upon.

Hello Friends!

just kidding I probably don't like you as much as you think.

but you never know.

I probably should have gone into this with an idea,

It's kind of like Mitchell Davis

LIVELAVABLOG?

haha.

I'm told I am a freako

we'll you are wierd!

It's super hard to think about you.

On one hand it's just normal

On the other it's way different

But then again you never know

Witch sucks.

I hate not knowing things

I need to understand what is going on around me.

I can't decide weather to scream in a band first or drum

witchever comes first I suppose.

sounds good!

blah I'm effin' cold.

I am really sexy when I drum (ladies) 

hahaha sorry.

hey punk!

you're pretty.

Your Mom.

And You're The Savior.

This is like dumb.

when I say this I mean everything.

I don't like whats happening around me.

like school and junk I mean.

I amazingly hate school.

I have a gift!

its pretty much banging on plastic over wood.

BUT ITS LIKE MAD FUN.

"My Heart's dead it's way past beating."

or so I thought.

I feel about somebody.

I dont really know how I am supposed to feel about them.

But if its nothing like how I feel about them now, then fuck it

I think I would rather be confused then not feel the way I do

"I hear them talking but can't make out the words, speak up speak up."

This whole thing is a bit contradicted.

but whatever its cool.

Fuck Twilight.

yeah I said it

JUST KIDDING DON'T BE MAD IT'S A JOKE.

ha; Every girl that reads this will kick my ass.

Bring it.

I have no FUCKING clue what is really going on.

Oh no! the jig is up!

I have nothing else to say really.

I've been quite lately and it's kinda creepy.

well, I guess thats it

 Your Face.

I'm The Desprate.

I'm an emotional plane crash.

You might not know it but im three people

The nice one.

The Cold one. 

and The one You all know as Josh.

Will I ever Be just me?

I am.

Only ever so often.

When I'm Drumming?

Thats me.

If you ever get the chance to see me burn out a song or anything on a kit, 

look at my face.

Read my eyes.

I'm happy

and I couldn't give a fuck if you knew it or not.

Because I'm having so much darn fun!

I wish people understood My music.

And that I had a band.

So I could relese all of this anger, pain, and joy for once.

Thats all I had to Say. 

And now I'm going to go be happy.

For all of'em

Fuck you.
You think your better than me just because of the way that I sit or
walk or talk?
I think it makes you so mad that you will never Have what I have
when it comes to everything,
school
people
life
I make it through
not always trying my best but getting there
What do I have That you don't?
one thing: Purpose
Yeah you know I Have it
You would quit breathing before you admit it
I'm going somewhere
Are you?
didn't think so
you say "he'll never have it"
but what makes you think i wont work for this shit?
You can hear in the way that I play that kit
because if You don't I will
That will be my name on the bill
so once again for me
I have no sympathy
no remorse for you
so just do what you do
Talk like a bitch
and I'll laugh
So Fuck you.

Music

The other day,
I was listening to my ipod
it was playing Slipknot a favorite of mine.
and what i heard was not a song
but a drummer
a singer
a bassist
guitars
and a turntable
all working as one machine
to make everyone that says they are a mistake
a failure
a freak.
eat there fucking words
I will be there
on the stage will drumsticks in my hands
and I'll invite all of them who said i wont make it
that said I was a joke
to sit in the front row
and listen
I got the spark
that metronome in my head that cant stop
wont stop.
as for you
by a CD
i might sign it
or you know not.